Latest Posts

Ending My Last Year to Not Be in My Last Year of College

By 11:52 PM , , , ,

I started college in August of 2010.
I graduate almost exactly 1 year from now, in December 2015.


Image from DeseretNews.com

I know it is too early to be sentimental about this kind of thing, really, I do.  But considering that had I stayed on track with my academics I would be graduating this month(or this past May), I do have a lot of feelings on the subject.  If there is anyone out there who is facing a "victory lap" (and a half) like me, or anyone who is curious to what it feels like, here are some miscellaneous thoughts on the subject I've gathered. 
Didn't finish on time?  It doesn't feel good.
I graduated High School without ever failing a class.  Despite my constant tardiness/absences, sleeping in class, and general half-assedness, I finished with flying colors.  I was in the top 25% of my class.  I received a prestigious scholarship entering my Freshman year of college (which, by the way, I promptly lost).  One year later, in August 2011, I was going into my second year of college on Academic Probation, followed by Academic Suspension, and more Academic Probation for two years until I was able to drag my GPA up.  What happened?! I remember going back to college after my 2-semester suspension in January 2013, thinking, "Wow. I should be starting my Junior year", when I was barely into my Major Curriculum courses.  I remember how it felt, vividly, to fail my first final. My first class. My first semester. I remember the bittersweet jealously I felt in watching my former highschool classmates graduate, on time.  I remember how many times I cried over feeling that I just wasn't as intelligent as I had previously thought.
Finishing, at all?  It feels more than good. 
But I also remember how it felt to get my first "A" on a final, on a course, my first semester GPA over a 3.0.  I remember switching majors a handful of times, only to end up in Cosmetology School, then back at a University - and in Business College.  Where did that come from?  I still have no idea. All I know is that ever since, I have made A's, B's, and some high C's on all of my Business courses. Last month I received my class ring for my University, and even though I am not graduating for another year, I felt so proud. I love what I do. I am proud of every paper, assignment, and report I turn in.  Knowing that I am going to finish my time at this college with a BSBA (Bachelors of Science in Business Administration) and an Advanced Selling Certification thrills me. It makes all 5 1/2 years worth it.  It makes be proud of the tests, classes, and semesters that I failed, because it shows me just how hard I pushed.  
College shows you weaknesses you never knew you had.
In my final year of highschool, I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD, Inattentive Type (previously ADD).  I never saw myself as ADHD.  Entering my first year of college, I found out I had access to "accommodations" for my disability, if I wanted them. I remember thinking to myself, "disability? Accommodations? I don't need anything. I'm normal" and leaving it at that.  I went to class, would find a seat, take out my laptop, and promptly...  Wait, class is over?  But I only checked my email.  So, I reasoned, I'll only take a notebook and pen to class.  I would go to class, set up my notebook, and.. Wow it's been an hour?  Studying was even worse. Living in a dorm that promoted a literal "open door policy", there were always distractions.  I cannot put to words how my brain handles distractions; it just doesn't.  Many people joke about ADHD, but there is no way to explain to struggle of paying attention to something that my brain disagrees with.  There is no way to explain how hyperfocus is not voluntary, and can derail an entire days worth of activities.  There are no words to convey the irriation, the frustration of genuinely intending to pay attention, and seeing a sign in the auditorium that states "No eating, no smoking, no drinking", and wondering if it applies to water bottles - oh wait, did I bring my water bottle? - is it by my feet or in my bag? - I need to fill it up after this class - what do I go to after this class? - I wonder if I have time to fill it up, how long does it take to fill a water bottle? - Is the water really from a spring or just tap? - I wonder where the springs are at? Who works there? How do they do that? and its all over.  I blink and I've missed paragraphs worth of notes. But that isn't what was hard to overcome.
What was hard was that people still don't believe ADHD is a real disorder.  It can be fixed with strict parenting, it's just laziness, "everyone is a little ADHD", it goes on and on. I learned to laugh it off and joke about my symptoms. Deep down, it hurt. It hurt that these people, who were and would always be neurotypical, would never understand that I don't get to choose to stop paying attention.  I don't get to choose when to let my mind wander.  It just does.  And they don't understand.
It also shows you strengths you couldn't imagine.
Through all of the first few difficult years of college, I overcame.  I began to utilize the accommodations the University supplied, eventually realizing they were necessary.  I began using a detailed daily planner constantly.  I would arrive to class early, sit on the first row, and put away my phone.  I wouldn't sit where anyone to the sides of me or near me could catch my eye.  To study, I tried different places - living outside of a dorm, for one, helped.  I tried in the kitchen, at the library, ultimately discovering that sitting in my bed (with the TV on but not audibly) was my ultimate place to study; unless it is the morning, then the long section of my couch is best.  I would pull nearly all-nighters, badger my professors with questions, and work to the last minute.  But I worked.  And I started passing.  I am not saying it gets any easier - there are still days where I will have a conscious moment of "I am not taking in anything." during class.  But they are less frequent.  And as for the people who don't understand how my brain works, well, I reasoned that I don't exactly know either.  And while they may be ignorant, they are going to believe exactly what they want. They don't and never will live with my brain.  I cannot fault them for that.  But they will not make my doubt myself, or my struggles.
You cannot compare yourself to anyone else.
My best friend is graduating this month, my coworker is graduating this month, everyone on the planet is graduating this month.
But I am graduating a year from this month.  There are so many times I've been jealous.  There are many times I've wanted to change the past.  But there is no point in it.  I am not them, I am not the person I was two years ago.  I am only me, in this moment.  Why waste time comparing?
My sister graduated within the top 10 of her highschool class.  She then graduated on time with her Bachelors, with a double major.  Since then she has gone onto graduating with her Masters, and is now working on her PHD.  When we were younger, I was constantly comparing myself to her.  Academically, physically, you name it.  Sibling rivalry definitely exists, y'all.  But the older we get, the more that comparison fades.  I love her.  She is my best friend.  We are so different, but so very alike.  We have different strengths, academia just happens to be one of hers.  This makes me in no way less of a person, less intelligent.
But you should always compare yourself to the person you have been.
I never want to be the girl I was my first semester of college.  I had some struggles that I couldn't help, true, but I was also not the person I needed to be.  I was interested in all of the wrong activities, my priorities were out of whack, and fed into my sadness with a strong emotional masochism.  I don't recognize that girl.  I don't know who I was.  I didn't know then. The feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming loneliness I felt throughout that first semester is something I can still remember like it was last night, and I think there is a lot to be said about that.  But I have grown.  I know the decisions I make now are not ones she would have made, and I am proud of that. 
You should also compare yourself to the person you want to be.
The only person I compare myself to is the person I plan to be.  I can see in my head the version of myself I plan on am becoming; she is very much me, but improved in so many ways.  And I do not say that in a self deprecating way.  I love myself.  I love my strengths, my weaknesses, everything that I am made of, and the things that I am not.  But I do have goals, something I have learned to do within my years of college.  I not only have goals, I know how to attain them.  I know that I won't see progress overnight, and sometimes most of the time, I'm going to fail, more than once.  But I know that not reaching my goals can only be caused by giving up, and not just giving up, but giving up and not trying again.  I give up daily.  I give up on a lot of things.  But the difference in the me I am now, and the me I was years ago, is that I pick back up.  And every time I do so, I get closer to the person I am going to be. 
I am so proud to be where I am, and I am so excited to see where I will end up.  I'm sure I will add more to this post eventually.


, , , ,

About the Author

I am a senior-level Business student at The University of Southern Miss. I've taken to blogging off and on since I was 13 years old. I blog about anything from beauty and fashion, to home design, to my daily life. My career goals include going into Real Estate, Event Planning, and maybe even Entrepreneurship eventually. Who knows? I wake up in a new world every day.

You Might Also Like

0 comments